Dear Visible Vagina,

The Huffington Post informs me that you are yet another thing which makes me unfuckable. Because along with everything else that is completely wrong with my body: the whole hairy, stretch marks, cellulite, fat because I no longer have the body of a pre-pubescent child; which, coincidentally, is probably because I haven’t been a pre-pubescent child for about 20 years issue. But, I digress. I now know that you, my dear visible vagina are a problem.

A problem with a solution; one that involves me spending money I don’t have on a weird plastic thingie that renders you smooth without labiaplasty [that thing which isn’t FGM because white women do it]. So, my dear visible vagina, you will no longer look ugly through my clothes and men will want to fuck me which is, obviously, the only thing worth thinking about. Ever.

I just have one query: how precisely does one remove “smoothegroove” without looking utterly fecking ridiculous? If the whole point of the beauty industry is to render me fuckable, why the hell would I want to wear something that will, no doubt, cause all sorts of unpleasant bacteria growth issues what with the whole it being a piece of plastic issue but, also, not come off in any manner that one could even construe as “sexy”? Am I supposed to do a lap dance whilst taking it off? Sneak off to the bathroom and remove it? Then where do I stick it? Leave it in the bathroom to scare off small children and insects? Or, are these only for women of a certain age who have no chance of pulling and therefore only deluding themselves?

I’m all confused but, on balance, I think I’m going to go with old skool India.Arie and stick with my dear visible vagina. After all, you’ve never called me fat, ugly, or unfuckable. And, seriously, who wants to pull a man who is only interested in you for your waxed and vajazzled vagina?

Love, SGM

One thought on “Dear Visible Vagina,”

  1. Ha! Most excellent.

    I’m a man and I detest the modern fad for waxing and labioplasty. I adore a woman to be a woman, hair and lips and all.


Leave a Reply